You are dead to me!

Recently, I've been considering criticism and healthy ways to deal with it.

If you are in leadership, you will be no stranger to criticism. As a full-time Church minister for the past 16 years, I am no stranger to it! Criticised for bringing too much change, or not enough change. For going too fast or too slow. For not spending enough time visiting the elderly, or not enough time with newcomers. For not doing enough evangelism, or not enough Bible Studies. For being too contemporary or too traditional. For not sticking to the clock, or letting the clock hinder the Holy Spirit. And the list goes on!

Criticism is part of life and, over the years, I found that it comes from different places:

• Sometimes, it comes out of preference – which is perfectly normal. After all, we all have our likes and dislikes and are at liberty to make our preferences known.

  
  

• Sometimes, it comes out of prejudice – which is not so good. For it leads us to label something as bad, or negative, or evil and fight against it simply because we don’t like it. Believe it or not, I have seen good people opposing God’s ways (and hurting others) on this basis. At times like that, we are not moved by God’s Spirit, but by the corruption of our flesh. We are all vulnerable to this danger and we must always be watchful, ready to apologise and forgive one another from the heart.

  
  

• Sometimes, it comes from a holy place – inspired by wisdom, Scripture or the Holy Spirit. In that case, it is motivated by love and it is not meant to tear down but build up. This is what is generally called “constructive criticism”, and we must always be open to it. For we all have weaknesses and blind spots – and none of us has all the answers.

  
  

• Sometimes, it comes from a much darker place. For those who will not allow themselves to be led by the Holy Spirit, will sometimes make room for other kinds of spirits to hijack their carnality and use them to bring harm to others. Sadly, this is often the case in Churches that are experiencing blessings, favour and advancement. The enemy doesn’t like it, and so he will actively manipulate our flesh and aspects of our person that are not under the Lordship of Jesus to bring division and discord. Many years ago, a much more seasoned minister and friend of mine told me something that I thought was very true: “Simon, I’m not sure how theologically correct what I am about to say is, but I believe that sometimes the devil allows some people to ‘get saved’ only because they are of more use to him in the Church than outside the Church.”

While there is very little we can do about criticism, there is much we can do about how we deal with it. How we deal with it will not only affect our quality of life and our personal growth, but will also receive either praise or rebuke from God. So, here are a few pointers that have helped me “digest” criticism over the years:

1. Stay humble and listen – let’s face it, we all hate being criticised and our knee-jerk response is to always assume we are right, and they are wrong. But wisdom sometimes comes from very unexpected places and people. No matter how nasty the comment may be, stop and ask yourself this simple question – “what if they are right?” Even though their criticism may come from a very bad place, there will likely be at least 1% of it that should be heeded.

   
   

2. Check if they are in the arena with you – sadly, those who are quickest to “offer advice” are those who spent a lifetime observing others on the sidelines rather than pouring out blood, sweat and tears in the arena. Listen to every voice, but prioritise those who have been where you are, those who earned their stripes and, with it, the right to speak with authority.

   
   

3. Prioritise those who demonstrably love you – for, as Scriptures put it, “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses” (Proverbs 27:6). Don’t shy away from “tough love” and make sure those who love you know they have permission to speak to you that way. We all need a friend to tell us we are acting like idiots sometimes!

   
   

4. Don’t react, respond – especially when it comes from a dark place, criticism is designed to create a negative reaction. Don’t get sucked in! It’s better to suffer injury and walk away than “fight fire with fire.” Which leads to the next point…

   
   

5. Make sure you’re popular in heaven – some of our decisions may be unpopular on earth, but what matters the most is that they are popular in heaven. Whether its acknowledged or not, let us live a life of integrity, pleasing the Lord in all things.

However, I would have ever been able to follow any of the above had I not first learnt the value of dying to ourselves. When offended, children often turn around and say, “You’re dead to me!” Well, Jesus would have us say “I am dead to the world!” (see Galatians 6:14). Just like an actual dead body, when we die to ourselves to be alive to Jesus, we will not care about what is done to us – whether it is criticism or praise. It will not affect us either for the better or worse. Instead, it will position us to be motivated only by Jesus. This is what he meant when he said “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me” (Matt 16:24). And when his opinion is all that matters, well, life will taste so much better! With every criticism, we will keep the good and be free from the bad.